That's how I ended up in rehearsal with 850 singers and 300 instrumentalists at the Shrine Auditorium at USC this morning.
But that's not what I came here for the first time in nine months to tell you (who am I kidding, I'm so f@#$ing excited about this I'm about to start telling randos on the street). I came to tell you about the lyrics of the baritone's solo in the second movement of the piece:
Arrows, pierce me!
Lances, subdue me!
Clubs, shatter me!
Lightning, shoot through me!
So that everything trivial
May pass off in vapor
And the constant star may shine,
Nucleus of eternal Love!
The piece is sung in German, so I had no idea the true meaning of the solo until rehearsal today, when the English translation was shown on the real-time video projection of the concert. Before I knew the translation, I found the music passionate and moving and romantic. It's one of my favorite moments in over 2000 bars of music. This morning, I held my breath as the baritone rose to the front of the stage; but the rush of release that music usually brings was overshadowed by the twenty-foot screen projection of his harsh, strained features and the English text superimposed beneath: "Arrows, pierce me! / Lances, subdue me!"
As I read the words on the screen, my body became rigid and tense and I felt my face turn to a cringe. These were not the words of romance, but of tragedy. I know there is no tragedy without love, but there is also no tragedy without pain and anguish. Could this lyrical description of physical dismemberment really match a musical depiction of love?
And then I thought of how fiercely the Boy (formerly known as Mr. C, he declared himself my boyfriend last June after asking me to move in with him for the summer) and I had fought last night, the night before, and even today after rehearsal. Our arguments are not nearly as often or as shattering as when we first began almost a year ago, but every now and again we fall into a rut where the moment one argument dissolves another begins. I'm not afraid of them anymore; now I just see them as another facet of our relationship that we work through together like we do grocery shopping or rehearsal schedules.
But still, I get that same feeling that I'm being dragged desperately out to sea by the rip current of stress from our differences, frustration over our discourse, and disappointment at the realization that no matter how much we love each other, we may never stop finding new ways to hurt one another.
Due to the way I was raised, I've come to expect a certain amount of struggle when it comes to someone you love. But how long must I allow for that when it can so quickly tear us up? Must you really tear everything apart, await the lightning to thunder through you, so love can hold the only space left?
My life has always been a balance: disappointments are followed by opportunities, happiness is made more significant by sadness, life is tempered by death. I suffered from depression in high school, so until a few years ago I didn't think I had a right to expect (or even work towards) happiness. Now that I do, now that I can, it would be helpful to know just how much to expect--before I go from healthy and emotionally stable to being gifted the moon and expecting the stars for dessert. Or at least know how much sadness and pain should be allowed on one path before I owe it to myself to look for another answer. I want to know that I'm not wrong for being so comfortable with hardship in my relationships; because I look around and so many of my friends and family have told me not to be.
I believe I am so blessed to be in love. It's what I have always wanted. It's what makes years of pain and loss worth surviving and conquering. I just wish I knew if I was doing it right.
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